Talking about gender and sexuality with children at church

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by Anita Peebles

In his article, “Dealing with Gender and Sexuality at Church” in the summer issue of Baptist Peacemaker, Rubén David Bonilla Ramos addressed a topic vitally important to progressive Baptists. He shared nine excellent practical tips for clergy and congregational leaders accompanying their congregations through learning about gender and sexuality. Rubén wrote, “Jesus is not a static character, and his salvation does not exist oppressively; both Jesus and his saving work for humanity gestate from processes that do not exclude, from spaces that do not oppress and from places where love is the basis of all theology. As people of peace, Christ invites us to train ourselves daily to continue expanding his kingdom.”

Often when these conversations about gender and sexuality occur in churches, they are happening among the adults. But children are also important members of the church community, and they pick up on a lot more than adults give them credit for. Also, children have much to teach their grownups—and all of us—about how to treat people compassionately, inclusively and equitably.

In conversations about gender and sexuality, often churches are focused on being “inclusive.” That still is assumes there is an “inside” of “us” who needs to be welcoming “others” to come inside with “us.” Part of not assuming anyone’s sex or gender or sexuality is not assuming children’s sex or gender or sexuality. So how can adults construct spaces where children can not only learn about how to be welcoming of LGBTQIA+ people (which assumes the LGBTQIA+ people are “other”), but where children who are LGBTQIA+ will be affirmed and kept safe?

(Note: No space can be totally safe. That’s part of being human—we hurt each other, sometimes intentionally, but often quite unintentionally. As soon as we get over the fact that no space is 100 percent safe, we can move on to doing our best to get our space as close as possible.)

Familiarize yourself with the language; I echo Rubén David on this! Educate yourself, grownups! There are great resources for people involved in raising children in various ways (parents, guardians, grandparents, teachers, counselors, Christian educators, pastors, church members—that’s all of you!)

Don’t assume any child’s (or any person’s) gender or sexuality. Gender and sexual orientation are not something you can tell by how a person speaks or dresses or the mannerisms they use. Always ask a child how they would like to be identified.

Don’t just ask people about pronouns when you meet someone new—normalize using pronouns when introducing anyone! Begin by claiming your pronouns, whatever they are! I would say, “Hi, I’m Anita and my pronouns are she/her/ella. What words would you like me to use when I talk about you?”

Give up the gender binary! Often for classroom management, people divide kids into “boys and girls.” This results in awkwardness for anyone in the group who does not feel like they fit into either of those categories, and it places the prerogative on them to speak up to be accommodated. Instead of using binary language, replace “boys and girls” with “friends,” “kids,” “children of God,” or something of that kind. Or use creative language when dividing people into groups: “Everyone wearing a warm color,” “everyone who has a birthday January-June” and other options can be fun, easy and inclusive.

Normalize gender-expansive language about God. When we use exclusively masculine pronouns for God (he/him/el) we are focusing on only one aspect of a God who is beyond all human understanding. Regularly using she/her/ella or they/them/elle pronouns for God can be a starting place for conversations about gender in your church’s theology and liturgy.

Challenge assumptions with children of what is “for girls” and “for boys.” This includes coloring pages, craft activities, games—and, yes, the Bibles and devotionals you use and encourage. Many devotionals for girls or Bibles for boys are unquestioningly locked into the gender binary, and along with it, patriarchy and misogyny.

If you are doing any sexuality education (like using the Our Whole Lives (OWL) program), get support from parents/guardians and church leadership. Invite experts who are trained in OWL, or even a Planned Parenthood educator, to come to your church and lead alongside you.

Seek out and emphasize stories of expansive gender presentation and relationships in the Bible. For example, confront stereotypes about traditional binary gender roles by discussing how Jacob cooked and how Mary Magdalene was a self-sufficient woman who was the first to proclaim Jesus’ resurrection! Also, lift up stories that show love in many different forms: Ruth and Naomi, David and Jonathan, the disciple Peter traveling with Jesus while having a wife at home, and more.

Affirm all gender expressions in your Christian education program. This might include normalizing how a child is dressing in a non-normative way for their assigned sex, correcting kids from using offensive words and encouraging children of all sexes to practice values of kindness, compassion, empathy and listening.

Show diverse examples of what love looks like. Make sure your church knows that people of all genders and sexualities are welcome as leaders in children’s ministry. Check your Sunday school resources for normative gendered language and images, like checking that whenever there is a “family” image, it is not comprised of one male, one female and two children. In all of your programming, check to make sure you are including representation of many types of people and families and couples.

Overall, if you want to make sure your church is a safe place for children to learn about and explore their own gender and sexuality, make sure adults feel safe being their whole selves there. This means examining church structures, worship materials, preaching and Sunday school topics, and noticing how people are in relationship with each other in the pews.

And, as Rubén David named, “use love as a starting point.” Do all things with love, from educating yourself to seeking out your own assumptions to correcting others’ anti-LGBTQIA+ behaviors to talking about gender and sexuality with the children in your care. Ground yourself in God’s expansive love, as there will surely be people who disapprove of talking to children about gender and sexuality in a church context. Remember that people’s lives, including some of the children in your Christian education program, depend on having a community of supportive allies around them who will affirm them as beautiful, beloved children of God. By asking these questions, by listening to learn and by seeking supportive resources, you are already on your way to being an embodiment of God’s expansive love in this world.